Today, I Love You

Pretty much out of happy thoughts at this point. I sat in my kitchen and cried this morning because I didn’t have enough energy to do dishes. Super pleasant time to be around me. I’ll be officially “to term” when I hit 37 weeks in a few days, and I am green-lighting this fetus with everything I’ve got. 40 weeks seems forever away. 42 is something I am not even going to entertain the idea of right now. All I’m looking towards is the light at the end of the tunnel where I can put on a pair of underwear without being in pain.

So this is as good a time as any for a Today, I Love You post. Here’s some things that are bringing me joy this week.

Endless Alphabet

This app is so perfect. I break it out when I bring August to my appointments with the midwives, because he will sit quietly forever if it takes that long. But aside from the electronic babysitting aspect, it’s been gold as far as the educational bar goes. He’s been expanding his vocabulary, and is understanding how letters come together to make words. And these aren’t tiny words, either. August has been spelling cooperate and umbrella on his own and telling me he needs to decorate. He will bust out random new words and use them correctly in a sentence. I can’t recommend it enough.

e.l.f. Essential Lip Balm Tint

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I’ve been using Grapefruit, and this has been a great tint/balm for spring. It makes me look like I’ve been eating popsicles. I’ve also seen a nude-ish color and a red, but this has been my favorite for everyday wear. Especially good if you don’t feel like wearing much makeup, which is frequently my case lately. It gives your lips a little bit of sheer color and adds a little life to your face.

Outshine Fruit Bars

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Lemon forever. This is my pregnancy craving du jour. No HFCS and super delicious.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

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Everyone has been flipping their balls over this book, and I can see why. I wish I read it a few months ago when I was still a functioning semi-human, because I want to get rid of so much stuff. It’s going to be several months until I can really get cracking on this project. Over the last few years, Adam and I have done some pretty big junk purges, and I’m always amazed when it’s a year later and we could do it all over again. Much of what we end up purging the following year are things we held onto for no good reason the previous year. The KonMarie Method is way more purposeful, eliminating the following year Why the Hell Do I Still Have This Shit‘s. If you want to really fall down a rabbit hole, just do a YouTube search for KonMarie.

Scentsy Urban Luster Warmer

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I’m normally not a big MLM fan, but I’ve liked Scentsy stuff for a while now, if for no other reason than it eliminates my candle-anxiety with August running around. The wax doesn’t get hot enough to hurt anyone, so I can turn it on without fear. Plus I really like the smells for a lot of their bars. Some favorites right now are Beach, Forever Yours, and Welcome Home. When I first started using Scentsy, I just bought whatever warmers were on sale because frankly, they were all pretty Walmart-looking to me. But they came out with a bunch of cute ones recently so I’m upgrading a couple of ours. This one is my favorite. Looks cute as crap and I’m going to put it in our living room while my whole house smells like spring instead of cats.

Eggs and Candy and Family and (Cold) Beaches

I opened the windows and aired out our stinkhouse. August has been able to return to his favorite pastime of sidewalk chalk. I am considering shaving my legs above mid-calf. Spring is finally here! It’s not my favorite season, overall (I’m more of a fall lady,) but it’s the most welcome thing on the planet after this crapshoot winter.

We spent the Easter weekend in Bethany with Adam’s family. I love these weekends with all of us in one house together. It gets me excited that August is going to have so many memories in this house with his family through the years, especially his cousins. Plus, it’s nice to just unwind with everyone and hangout. I was able to spend some time over the weekend reading and working on some craft projects, which I hardly ever find time for at home these days. It felt great to make some progress on things I enjoy.

The weather got pretty nice, but by the water was still pretty cold. We went down to the boardwalk to poke around for a bit, and spent about three minutes walking on the beach. August was so into it, even though he was clearly freezing. He was taking tiny, careful steps down a hill in the sand and kept shouting, “I doing it! I doing it!” We warmed up at the candy store to pick up a treat, and then hung out in a toy store with a train table and dollhouse that kept August very happy until I ruined everything by noticing he was doing a pee-dance.

There was plenty to do the rest of the weekend while we celebrated Adam’s aunt’s 80th birthday and Easter. August and his cousins hid plastic eggs the entire time we were there. I found one in my shoe on the drive home. The kids played outside and dyed eggs, and seeing August playing so much with his cousin, Cordelia was particularly special. They had so much fun together and it’s been so neat to see him coming out of the stage where he is playing next to kids his age and playing with them instead. Lots of tag and hide-and-seek and forts and puzzles and more egg hunts. Just an overall fun, relaxing, special start to the season.

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I Am Mostly Positive My Child Hasn’t Passed the Bar and He’s Just Screwing With Me.

Toddlers are weird little creatures. August is in this phase right between being a toddler and a preschooler. Some moments, I see my baby boy. Others, I see this big dude that is developing an even bigger personality. Just last night, he was laying on the floor after his bath so I could get him in his pajamas. I stopped and stared at him a moment because he looked so enormous. When did he get this big? When does this stop??

Everyday, I get a little more insight into how my son’s mind works. More often than anything lately, as the preschooler takes over my little toddler, I’m learning that preschoolers are all dirtball mini-lawyers. Whenever I give August an instruction he doesn’t like (which is all of them) he tries to Jedi-Mind-Trick his way out of it.

Eat your dinner.

“No, I can’t eat my dinner.”

Let’s go to the bathroom.

“No, I can’t go to the bathroom.”

Cleanup your toys.

“No, I can’t cleanup my toys.”

This is usually not that hugely frustrating. He’s going to be three this summer; I know what I signed up for. This is what kids do. But on days like today, the world starts conspiring with my child to overthrow me, and those are the days I’m ready to send him to year-round boarding school in Sweden. It took me roughly eight years to get through our trip to the grocery store today. I see my midwives tomorrow but I am about to self-impose bed rest because everything hurts and nothing feels good. So I figured I would just take it easy when we got home and lay down, get some work done on the computer, and let August spend quality time with his best friend, Netflix.

The Earth had other plans. Our internet isn’t working. Without cable, our only television options at this time of day are soap operas, old British shows, and The Talk. I figured I could still manage to stay mostly immobile; there’s a bucket of his favorite toys right here.

Nope.

“You turned off the TV! That’s bad behaving!”

It’s not bad behavior. The TV isn’t working. Play with your toys.

“Oh the TV is fixed! Yay! Turn it on!”

No one said the TV was fixed. Saying it’s fixed does not make it fixed. Play with your toys; Mommy needs to rest.

“No you can’t rest! No I can’t play with my toys! You need to turn it on!”

Can’t turn it on. It’s not working. Play with your toys.

“I need to play with my toys in the basement.”

Our basement is still being repaired from the leak. We are not going down there. Sorry dude, basement is broken.

“Yay the basement is fixed! Let’s go down in the basement!”

I literally just said the basement is broken. Where did you get that it’s fixed from that? Play with your toys. Let Mommy rest.

“I need to watch something.”

And so went the forever that has been today.

Before I had kids, I would have read something like this and scoffed at the idiot mother who was even entertaining her kid’s ridiculousness with a response. But that was back when I knew everything and now I know nothing. I’m just learning as I go. And by learning I am sitting here and things keep happening and I have accepted on some level that other things are probably going to happen, too.

Ignoring a child who is hell-bent on pestering you feels the same as ignoring an itch in your shoe that is hell-bent on ruining your life. You will eventually scream and tear your own arm off, no matter how you go about your ignoring. We just got the carpets cleaned so I’m not trying to rip my arm off and deal with that whole mess. So I take part in an endless round-robin with my child, and settle in for the longest two hours in history before my husband gets home and I can retreat into a dark corner and eat my own hair.

When It Rains (From a Busted Pipe in the Ceiling,) It Pours.

But thankfully not literally.

Our family room makeover (makebetter? makelessawful?) was going swimmingly. Progress was being made. Toys were being weeded out. Pillows were being purchased. Then Adam and I came downstairs to spend some quality time as a married couple by watching zombies eat people, and the ceiling was leaking.

We had a pipe under our kitchen sink break and it was leaking water into the basement below. Thankfully, it was only leaking for we think a few hours, and there wasn’t a ton of damage to the floor/ceiling. But it led to the discovery of a bunch of fun issues, and we are now getting ready to replace all the tiles in our drop ceiling.

I hate drop ceilings. I’m glad we had one in this case, because we probably wouldn’t have discovered the leak until the next day and we would have had serious damage by then. Most likely. But those suckers are ugly and also our cats sometimes climb into them without telling me and freak me the hell out. So now we get to replace that and hire someone to come clean our sofa and part of our carpet before we can do more work down there to get it cute.

The only plus here is I have plenty of projects I can work on to still keep our progress moving. There are several things I’m working on for those bare, sandy walls that I despise, and I can work on them at the kitchen table. Also, we already moved my craft crap to another part of the basement, so none of my supplies were damaged. They used to sit right under where our leak started. So high five to Adam for moving things around when we first started and not doing what I’ve done the entire project: wait and wait and eat candy.

On top of all of that, I am getting less and less mobile by the minute. I’ve developed a fantastic case of Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, and can’t get up without feeling like the bones in my pelvis are about to break. Adam’s 80-year old aunt was laughing that I get up from a chair like she does. Basically, the joint holding the two sides of my pelvis together is widening because baby. and is becoming overly relaxed, making the pelvic girdle unstable. It hurts like a bitch and I get to spend the day wearing a bra for my belly. All of this is seriously screwing with house-progress.

Hopefully we can still have the basement finished before the baby comes, and I can get a reveal post up. Most likely, I’m going to be blogging a little less for a bit after the squish arrives earthside. So send good vibes and maybe Niecy Nash or someone else from the television that makes everything better? But not the dude from Extreme Home Makeover. He’s loud as balls and I need a nap.

The Tuesdays

At two and a half years old, these are probably not days that August is going to remember very clearly. A day like today especially, because to a toddler, I doubt it was anything special. But it was one of those afternoons/evenings that is going to stick with Adam and I for a while, just for being a really enjoyable day to be parents.

A trip to the dentist is not something I would normally think would qualify as an “enjoyable day to be a parent,” but that ended up being a pleasant surprise. It was August’s first teeth cleaning. He’s gone to the dentist twice before, just to get a peek at his teeth and to get him used to going. Both times, he didn’t handle it particularly well, which was to be expected. However, he was such a champ today, and Adam and I were beaming every time another minute passed that our child didn’t bite the hygienist. The whole appointment was so much easier than we were expecting, and I feel like that is a frequent occurrence. If we think an event is going to be unpleasant or difficult for August, we prepare for The Apocalypse. But most of the time, he gives us Just Another Tuesday.

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There was really nothing remarkable about the appointment, aside from the fact that there was nothing remarkable. August was calm, cooperative and friendly, which is normally how he operates. Sure, he has his toddler moments, and I am definitely seeing glimpses of the threenager to come. But for the most part, he’s an easy going and happy kid.  Despite knowing this, despite knowing our child, we still get shocked every time he doesn’t try to blow up the planet in retaliation for whatever thing we think he is going to hate. I need to take the time to remember that August can handle a lot more than we give him credit for.

We decided to have a fairly rare dinner out as a family, and got August his favorite dinner, macaroni and cheese (MY SON) and let him pick where he wanted to go for dessert. He chose to stay at Panera and eat a cookie as big as his head (MY SON AGAIN) and I can’t believe he ate it all. The three of us hung out at our table and Adam and I kept thinking he was done, and we reminded him again and again that he could put the rest in a bag and eat more cookie later. No way. The kid powered through. This, and the meltdown he has every time he realizes it’s a hair-washing night, are all the proof I need that August wasn’t switched out for someone else’s baby at the hospital.

Dinner was a little early tonight, so we had time to spare when we got home. We went up to Adam’s and my room and played a memory game on the floor. Family games haven’t been happening too often lately because a lot of our time is being spent getting the house ready for the baby, and letting August play with just one of us or on his own. It was so nice to have an hour to just hang out, especially on a weekday. Getting to sit on the floor and play with my family for an hour on a Tuesday was unexpected and awesome and I want to make sure this does not feel like such a rarity in the future.

A couple months ago, I bought my first “nice” camera, and I’m so glad I did because I’ve been taking more pictures than usual to try to justify the purchase. As a result, I captured a lot more of today than I normally would have. Like I said, for August, probably none of today stood out to him as particularly special. But to his parents, this will be a lasting memory of one of the last times we are a family of three. I’m looking forward to big moments when we add a fourth to the mix- vacations and holidays and things like that. But these little, unexpected great days are what I enjoy the most about being a parent.

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I Would Like to Go Everywhere, Please.

Wanderlust. I has it. Bad. I’ve been looking at pictures from our time in Spain last year, and all it’s making me want to do is pack a bag (or nine) and get us out into the world. That trip was a lot, and traveling on my own with a 20-month old was a lot a lot. But getting through it and seeing that I could do it made me want to go everywhere. The joy and excitement and fun of living  for a few weeks in a totally different place, so far outside of my comfort zone, easily outweighed the stress and toll of traveling solo with a toddler. A few months ago, I may have begged Adam to quit his job so we could all move to another country. Stability, thy name is Sara.

Realizing that it’s not exactly smart for my husband to up and quit his job just so I can get my recommended daily intake of churros, I’ve dialed it down a smidge. But the desire to see and experience different countries and cultures and to share those experiences with our kids is still very much there. I’m really hopeful that our future includes a lot of trips overseas. Though, even if we don’t get out of the country very often, I at least know our future holds a lot of trips on this continent.

After we outgrow this townhouse and buy a single family home with a little land and a driveway, Adam and I are planning on buying a trailer. I have been dreaming of this for years, and I can’t wait to actually get the ball rolling one day. Something old that I can gut and then rebuild into something that suits our specific needs. Then, hitching that sucker up to our car and going all over the place. Most of my closest friends have spread out all over the country, and it’s going to be amazing to actually go and visit one day. Plus, getting to plan long trips away where we aren’t packing and unpacking for hotels or spending a fortune on places to stay. We can camp, we can take our home with us, and we can go wherever the hell we want.

I’m so excited to get this ball rolling one day. I will be the most excited lady on the planet when we start searching for a junky tin can to turn into our home on wheels. Do you have any vacation or travel dreams you’re looking forward to experiencing? Do you plan on road-tripping with your family or are you sticking to planes and trains for long distances?

Today, I Love You.

Let me start off by stating that I am in a mood. It’s only a few weeks into my third trimester, but eight more weeks of this feels like a never ending crapshoot. My second trimester was smooth sailing, and Stupid Me thought I could just sail through my third the same way. NOPE, DUMMY. I don’t feel prepared for the baby to arrive (because who the hell is ever prepared? I want to meet you and then slap you,) but I will gladly take unprepped newborn chaos as opposed to feeling like my pelvis is going to shatter whenever I stand up.

The hormones have shown themselves, and they are terrifying. I made it through most of this pregnancy fairly level-headed, or about on par with whatever Not-Pregnant Me can pass off as level-headed. Those days are gone. I made pizza for dinner last night and almost threw the dough across the damn room because I couldn’t stretch it out without getting huge holes. Adam had to swoop in and simultaneously make pizza with my bullshit dough and rub my back while I sobbed in a chair. My makeup is collecting dust because I don’t even bother; I am going to cry it off. Every mild setback or inconvenience sets off the waterworks. Can’t remember the HBO GO password and it’s somehow no longer saved on my laptop? Crying. Get home from the store and realize I forgot to buy two minor, not-urgent things? Crying. Want a cupcake but I already had four? Crying.

*ETA: I was trying to save a draft of this post and the internet is being a slow idiot and won’t do it. Crying. Right now. Someone tap me out of this dickness because I am finished.

So in honor of this mood, I am going to make things worse and dedicate this Today, I Love You to things I miss while pregnant. Nothing like marinating in that pain so I can feel like I really earned the Ben & Jerry’s pint I am going to destroy before I use the empty container to catch my tears.

Today, I Miss/Love You

Wearing my wedding ring

I have crossed the fat/swollen threshold into the period of time where my rings no longer fit, or are not comfortable. One of the most frustrating parts of my postpartum body last time was how long it took me to be able to wear them again. Granted, I have gained much less this pregnancy, and this point came much later than it did my first pregnancy, but still. The bigger annoyance is going to come when old people start being weird to me. When I was pregnant with August and couldn’t wear my rings, I went to Home Depot to buy some plywood so I could fix our wire shelving in the pantry. I was wearing Adam’s shirt and gym shorts. The old man helping me insisted I buy a piece of messed up wood because he could give me a discount on it, and then told me to “save that money for the baby’s college.” Yup. Thank you, sir. I will take that $2.14 and buy the lil’ bastard a highlighter.

Brie

I didn’t realize how crucial brie was to my happiness until I couldn’t have it. If you have never had a brie, green apple and pesto sandwich, I highly suggest you get yourself some good bread and indulge in that shit posthaste because it is a life changer. Have some baked brie for me, too. Ugh.

Booze

What goes great with cheese? Everything because cheese is perfect. But also some cheap, shitty, delicious champagne. Every time I have a hormone-fueled meltdown, all I want is a beer. Cannot wait to have my good buddy back in my life so I can self medicate efficiently.

Moving when I wanted to move and sitting when I wanted to sit

This pelvis business is a blinking neon middle finger from my body, all day and everyday. If I sit for a few minutes, I know I am in for some serious pain when I try to get up again, followed by a lot of hobbling until I can ease myself into being fully upright. If I stand too long, I feel dizzy and weak, plus the pressure of fluid building up in my legs is no picnic. So all day is spent shifting from sitting to standing with a few other positions thrown in because my body is weird as hell right now. It’s like all day Catholic mass and I am not pleased.

My clothes

Maternity clothes are mostly ugly as balls. I have a few basics that aren’t the worst, but I am pretty limited in what I can wear day to day. They all take up this tiny section of my closet. Whenever I go in there to pick something out, I have to look at all my clothes that don’t fit (and aren’t going to fit for a while) and these little visits bum me out. I miss my tshirts and my sweaters and my favorite leggings. Going in my closet reminds me of all the fun we used to have together. Then I reach past them all to grab a maternity tank top and a hoodie for the zillionth day in a row and it hits me right in the feels. I miss you, clothes. I miss you all. I will return, one day. And I’ll buy you lots of new friends.

You all know as well as I do that this whining about being pregnant is going to be immediately replaced by whining about not sleeping and not being able to make the baby stop crying and being covered in spit up. Since we all know it, none of us should feel surprised and none of us should talk about it when it happens and all of us should stock my fridge with beer and my freezer with ice cream. Specifically, The Tonight Dough because every time I try to buy it, it is sold out and it’s only a matter of time before that makes me cry, too.